I’m ready to go to bed… obviously

As anyone who has every read three and a half words of this book will tell you, of course it has been absolutely amazing. I have been reading and digesting it for some months now (even in the midst of engaging in “relationships” totally counter to what i was learning) but as I review my notes and end my journey with this book I have noted four themes that stuck with me and are detailed mostly in my personal journal. I wish to share them with you if you please.

Self-assessment

Paul tells us to test/assess ourselves to see if we are of faith. And as a young woman transitioning into a season where marriage is not only an possibility but an option (and I’m hoping a promised component of my future) it is crucial that i do so now, and daily. Being that I am 20 years old, paying all of my own bills, living on my own, and I am virtually independent (though ever-dependent on Christ), I am an eligible single woman. And I am available. In light of that, I have reflected on the roles of wives depicted in scriptures everywhere from Proverbs to Song of Songs to I Timothy and beyond. I have come to the conclusion that I suck at life. lol. Not really, but I kinda do. My attitude toward marriage has been quite twisted for some time. Yes I acknowledge and honor the fact that it is a gift given by God, and that it is a tangible, finite version of Christ and the church and what that eternal bond looks like, but I have also recognized it as personally unattainable and unrealistic. I used to have this idealized picture of marriage as things that it simply is not such as fulfilling and fun, and while it can be both of those things in some ways, those are not its foundations. I held marriage to a standard which it did not deserve and pitied my singleness as the same plague most of the women in my family endure (as if it were cancer). I wanted so bad to be married but as to refrain from appearing thirsty, I would deny the beauty of marriage publicly, but in my heart, I envied the married. I now realize that marriage and singleness are both beautiful gifts from the Lord that I should cherish and frankly, I don’t think I’m ready for the commitment marriage requires. I have so many habits that I think are acceptable that simply are not, especially when your life is not your own. So many attitudes toward the me I will be when I get married and the me I am now, as if they are two different people. The habits and attitudes I treasure now will only be maintained in marriage therefore, I must be committed to a godly view of love, modesty, submission, MEN, SEX, passion, purity, patience, and all other things that makes marriages work in singleness because if I don’t work on self-control now, I never will. 

Infatuation vs. Love

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a flirt. Manipulation and false impulses of desire have been so a part of me that I often struggle with knowing the difference between loving my brother in Christ and flirting with him. For example, if I see a brother who i think is attractive with a need, do I seek to serve him for love’s sake (for God’s glory and his success) or so he will see me and think I’m wifey material. Ladies, don’t lie, we’ve all thought it once or twice. As for me, I have done it so often that I literally would have to avoid certain brothers in Christ for periods at a time just to make sure I did not flirt with him, it is what it is. I would find myself crying out to God in repentance asking for a renewed mind when I thought of him because I could not focus during worship and prayer, or got jealous of his friendship with other sisters of mine. But none of that is love. It’s all infatuation. To create this man in my mind that is perfect for me is to hate the man that he really is and that is not right. If I look at him as he truly is, I’m sure I’ll be able to serve him as Christ loves us. Now don’t get me wrong, infatuation and flirting has its place, but it is not in common brotherhood and sisterhood. My main job is to I Tim 5:1 him (look it up). To love him is to control my passions and desires; to refrain from defrauding him and arousing desires that I am not willing or unable to fulfill and work on the lies that tell me i like a guy simply because he is great at evangelism, or leading worship, or pouring into young men (hey, saved guys are what i like… how heathenish hehe =) )

What To Do During the Wait

EVERYTHING!!!! and when you’re done doing that, do some more. I wanna be a teacher, and a poet, and a singer, and a motivational speaker, and a minister, and go to law school and save the entire freaking world. I can’t do that and be someone’s wife (and mother) at the same time. I wanna travel and preach the gospel in all nations, and pour into hundreds of young women, and experience the world and life and its fullness as only a single person can. Paul told us if we can take it, (and admittedly, I can not, at least not permanently) stay single. It is in singleness that we are completely free to do the will of the Lord as He would have it, proclaiming his name from the ends of the earth with no restriction and no fear. I can do that right now. And I should for two reasons: 1. it keeps me so occupied that I will (sometimes) forget the pains of singleness (cuz it can be painful, I don’t lie) 2. It glorifies God, what better way to fill time than instead of flirting with every whim of my heart, from one guy to the next, than to proclaim the faithfulness of God to the ends of the earth. Now one may figure “Sabrina, can say all this but when she goes to sleep at night she wil still be alone. At some point she will be lonely and that is not ok.” But I say to that, what you see as loneliness is for me an opportunity to be filled. When I am down and out and wanting to be loved, that is only God tugging on my heart. David said “my soul will be SATISFIED as with fat and rich food… when I remember you upon my bed and meditate on you in the watches of the night.” (Ps. 62 my fav!!!) He says in the psalm before that “For God alone I patiently wait; he is the one who delivers me.” Loneliness is not a curse. It is not bad, it is an opportunity, to be served by my first Love, my eternal Husband, my Creator, my refuge, my Redeemer. So when every other girl is smiling because of a text some finite fool sent them to get in their heads and hearts only to leave them empty and unsatisfied, I’ll be in the text, reading the love letters of my Saviour, being refilled and restored to go out and proclaim His name some more and spill out that love onto my brothers and sisters. FURTHERMORE, dealing with that loneliness while single will prepare me to deal with it while married because if you believe married people don’t feel lonely, unsatisfied and misunderstood sometimes, you are believing a trick of the enemy and you need deliverance quickly.

When My Beloved Has Come

I will know, maybe before he does (though I don’t think it usually works that way). More than likely I will know after he does. Either way, that does not give me the green light to indulge. There will still be an intense amount of waiting, and trying, and testing and crying, and longing, and pacing, and wanting, and yielding that I will have to do before I spend the rest of our life with this man. In all of this I must submit my cravings and desires and feelings to the Lord because it is His will to be done and not mine. I must savor my purity because things are most valued when labored for. I must be honest about my standard of purity, refusing to play with fire in the ignorance that he will be mine anyway or that a taste will hold me over or prepare me for the main attraction. I must serve his needs above my own in all purity and not be anxious about anything. (Phil 4:6) I will go at God’s pace, whether it be fast or slow because His timing is most perfect and I will not manipulate the situation in my favor but only seek for the good of my beloved and the glory of God. 

In all things, above all things, I will guard my heart. Love is simple, but it is not easy and I must allow God’s love to be the springboard from which my affections, even sexual desires, are sprung. 

It is not too late for me. I haven’t had the best track record with men. But it isn’t too late. Psalm 138:8 tells me because of His steadfast love, He hasn’t given up on me, and he won’t either, whoever he is. And ladies, I won’t give up on you. You are worth waiting for and waiting is worth waiting for.

“Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” -Jim Elliot

Defrauding your Brother— Please Don’t By

“By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and observe His commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:2-3). What are some of His commandments? “For this is the will of God, your sanctification … that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter [of sexual morality] because the Lord is the avenger in all these things … So he who rejects this is not rejecting man but God who gives His Holy Spirit to you” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8). “Defraud” means “to stir up desires that cannot be lawfully fulfilled.” One of the ways that we as young ladies can easily defraud our brothers in Christ is by dressing or acting in a way that tempts them to lust. We need to realize that God created men with a physical drive and women with an emotional drive. A young man wrote, “Physical purity for guys is as much of a struggle as emotional purity is for girls.” God has given us as women a responsibility to dress in a way that does not tempt men to sin. Can we resolve to accept that responsibility joyfully and willingly, knowing that it won’t be a burden if our hearts are set on pleasing God? “So then each one of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this—not to put an obstacle or stumbling block in a brothers’ way” (Romans 14:12-13).

It is so easy for us as girls to evaluate our clothing from a female point of view and say, “I’m modest”. But do we realize that the male mind works differently than we probably think? I would strongly encourage you to check out http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey, the results of a modesty survey to which over 1,600 Christian men and boys responded with both voting and text messages. I was shocked when I began reading that survey! I had never even thought about some things, which these men were saying were some of the worst stumbling blocks! And I didn’t realized how strongly guys feel about modesty!

The survey showed that 96% of Christian guys who took the survey think that girls should dress modestly, regardless? Or that 95% agree or strongly agree that modesty is an important quality for their future wife to have? Or that 96% say that guys notice whether or not a girl is dressed modestly?

In response to the survey question, “What is the difference between something that is attractive and something that is immodest?”, a young man wrote, “Attitude. Believe it or not, even though guys cannot read girls’ minds, it isn’t hard to tell when a girl has a wrong attitude about the way she dresses. Ladies, please ask yourselves before you put on a piece of clothing, ‘Why am I wearing this?’ If you are wearing it solely for the purpose of gaining attention from the opposite sex, you probably shouldn’t wear it. Remember that your goal in life is to please God, not man! If you feel like you don’t get any attention from guys because you dress modestly, think again. We are watching to see how you act, and many times we are simply cowards. Just be patient with us and with God. Do not allow yourself to attract the wrong kind of man by the clothes you wear and the attitude with which you wear them.”

95% agreed that a modestly dressed girl can still be a stumbling block by her attitudes, actions, etc. My brother says that it is easy for a boy to see when a girl has a wrong attitude or is ‘discreetly’ trying to get boys’ attention. “If you wouldn’t be dressing and acting and talking and laughing that way with a 60 year-old married man, then you probably shouldn’t be doing that with a young single man,” he said. It may help us to look at Proverbs’ description of a harlot so we know how to avoid defrauding a brother by having the spirit of a harlot.

The harlot: Flatters with her words (Proverbs 2:16; 5:3; 6:24; 7:5,13-15, 21). Uses her eyes to allure (6:25, also see Song of Solomon 4:9, 6:5 for another description of the power of a young woman’s eyes). Is unfaithful to God and unsure of where she stands, although she may appear to be religious outwardly (2:17; 5:6; 7:14; 30:20). Has the attire of a harlot (7:10) - Does your clothing communicate the chaste spirit of a virgin, or the bold spirit of a harlot?Is loud (not meek and quiet) and rebellious (7:11). Is not content to stay at home, especially at night (7:9,11,12). Has a crafty heart (7:10) - She has insincere, ulterior motives. Chases after the boys (7:12-3, also see Hosea 2:7, 13) - God created men to initiate and women to respond. When we try to attract a husband, we are turning God’s natural order upside down and asking for problems.

One sign that your heart is not where it should be with God is that you are longing to be noticed and admired by boys. We as humans have an empty void in our lives, and the only thing that will fill that hole is God. However, the world and even our own emotions tell us that what is missing is romance. This is a lie. God alone is the answer to our hearts’ desire. “For He satisfied the thirsty soul, And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good” (Psalm 107:9). If you are struggling in this area (and we all do at times), I would encourage you to get alone with God, pour out your heart to Him, align your will with His, and look to Him to fill your need. “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). May we daily look to Him for approval, true fulfillment and meaning in life. Only when we are full to overflowing with His love will we be able to dress and act in a way that is fully pleasing to Him and that shows love and respect to our brothers in Christ.

I answered these questions just a few weeks after arriving to Fisk University as a student. Since then, these answers have changed/expanded greatly….. But they only further exhibit how much I truly love Fisk. I am forever a daughter on the Altar. =)

1. 1. How do you feel about HBCU’s being underfunded?

I feel that while it is certainly unfortunate that we have to scrape and fight for funds, it is the story we’ve always had and something I treasure in a sense because we use what little we have and create products better than the elite, rich PWI’s could ever produce….. But I still am a strong supporter of giving back

2. 2. how passionate was your decision in choosing a HBCU

Not at all. I told you I was anti HBCU….. I was too tired of black folk. But once Fisk pulled me in, I couldn’t let go. My passion to go here exceeded my will, if that makes any sense…. it doesn’t…. Just know I was quite passionate….

3. 3. do you regret your decision in choosing a HBCU

BY NO MEANS. I love every bit of it. From the history to the present I feel honored and privileged to be amongst the best and brightest of our race. Not to mention everybody and they mama who did something great in our race went to an HBCU or taught at one…..

4. 4. what resources do you feel your institution provide for your future success

A stable learning environment, tools to provide steadfastness and preparation for the difficult times in life, a sense of self-awareness in learning about my people, connections to the things that interest me not only as a future career woman but as an African-American, the fun and beauty of being amongst great people that are just like me.

5. 5. how highly would you recommend your university or any HBCU

Fisk is not for everybody, but I would recommend it to anybody. You have to be a special kind of person to attend my school specifically, but once you get here, you love it.

6. 6. do you think HBCU’s are still relevant institutions that contribute to the African American community and why

 Heck yeah. In a world where global culture is taking over (specifically white culture) we must still be able to identify with ourselves and our past. There is so much to know about who you are that you could never learn at a PWI. And going into college not knowing yourself and trying to find yourself at any place other than amongst people like you is extremely difficult and discouraging to the African-American… We can’t intergrate til we have somehting to bring to the table.

7. 7. do you think HBCU’s better prepare you for life after college

Like I said, knowing yourself and how you handle adversity is sooooooooo important after college. When at an HBCU you will meet ALOT of adversity. If you get your patterns down now, the rest of your life is limitless. There is no room for mistakes in the real world

8. 8. what unique opportunities have you’ve been offered that you think another school couldn’t offer 

Working for my people with my people. There are jobs and scholarships and all sorts of things out there to cultivate me that only students from my school are eligible for. And because of the strong alumni basis, I never have to ask or worry about anything. ever.